Fatherly thoughts

Two years ago on Father's Day I wrote this post that was a tribute to my daughters and what wonderful humans they were (at that point).  The oddity of that post and this Father's Day is the weather; a half-hour ago tornado sirens went off, and two years ago I wrote how we "waited for tornadoes and large hail to pummel us".  Neither thing happened on either day, thankfully, but should I start to plan for severe weather every Father's Day weekend?!?  Oh, and my girls are still wonderful humans....for now.

Today Twitter is, of course, brimming with Father's Day messages and pictures and links, one of which led me to this bit of writing on making connections with your kids.  Here's my favorite excerpt:

So now, allow me to share some parenting thoughts inspired by those words.  I make no claims of being an expert parent and chances are pretty strong that I'm barely mediocre at following my own wisdom.  But my kids have turned out well enough that I can't be too shabby at parenting.  Besides, my thoughts are nothing more than free advice, and you know what they say about the value of advice delivered for free....

For starters, the idea of finding common ground.  The article from which I gleaned the above excerpt included an example of a mom who became a sports fan only because her sons were sports fans.  As parents it's critical we do this leaning in towards our kids' lives to find out where they are at with their interests and dreams and then meet them there.  We must be careful not to lean too far in, though, so kids can figure out how to navigate independence as they grow; pick an interest or two and go with it, letting them have the rest to themselves (the legal ones, of course).  Avoid the dumb stuff your kid likes (the "music", the fashion, the Snapgrams).

What the article didn't mention, what I believe is just as important when reaching common ground with kids, is the necessity of bringing kids towards some of the parent's own ground.  A child/parent relationship based solely on the child's interests can lead to some negative traits developing in that child - entitlement, self-centeredness, and lack of empathy to name a few.  If we want well-rounded kids who can see world through more than their own lens we have to push, pull, and maybe force our children towards some of our own interests, whether they like it or not.  If parents and kids can find a balance in time spent together on each other's interests the positive growth outcomes will increase for both parties.

As will the opportunities for conversation, which is rapidly becoming a lost art.  Find some shared interests, set aside the electronic devices, and visit with each other about that common ground.  Note the word with; there's a subtle difference between talking to someone and talking with someone.  Talking to is one sided, driven by one source, and implies that one side has power over the other.  Talking with implies sharing, taking turns, and most importantly, listening.  Kids constantly get talked to by adults - at school, at home, at games and practices - so what a gift it is when an adult talks with a kid.

Parenting doesn't have to be as hard as the complaints of so many parents make it out to be.  It's not easy, to be sure.  But if the parent makes an effort to take an interest in some of the child's interests, to have the backbone to force the child out of his/her comfort zone, and to invest as much time as possible into conversing with each other, parenting becomes much more enjoyable.  More importantly, parenting's end product (the child) will enter adulthood ready to improve the lives of others, including his/her own kids.